I thought that I had forgotten my password to this by now....but to my surprise i havent.
ive never been one to talk about feelings. heck. i dont even understand what im feeling 90 percent of the time so i put a smile on my face because its easier....and everyone always says you look prettier with a smile so what the heck=) and 80 percent of the time it is genuine. which i am so thankful for.
my mind has just been racing lately with thoughts and questions...so much to the point that i worked ahead on homework today and studied so i could drown out my own thoughts.
my picture might just be in the dictionary next to the word indecisive. its like pulling teeth to get me to make a decision.
making decisions at this point in my life is terrifying. and literally making me sick.
the decisions i am making are impacting so much more than the next few days but a big chunk of my future....i just dont want to make the wrong one. i dont even know what to aim for at this point. i am doubting everything i do because i dont want to miss the mark...i dont want to sell myself short. i want to make the most of the person i am suppose to be. i want to follow in Gods will for what he has planned in my life. i want to make everyone around me proud. am i even on the right track now?
i never even knew i would be here at this point....
- im in college at a big 12 school
- living in a sorority house surrounded by people i love
- single. and surprisingly content
- months away from moving into a house with my best friends (that i have no clue how to pay for)
i mean when did i even get old enough to have a house with my friends? we signed a real lease and everything...my parents didnt even look at it first lol....
on another note...i dont understand why i am so lucky. i am so blessed. blessed beyond measure and it scares me because i feel like its too good to be true. i feel like i am going to wake up one day and its all going to be gone. i havent done anything to earn any of it. i have nightmares about it...
and i saw a man walking outside tonight with one glove on. i wondered if he was homeless and could only find one glove and i just thought why him? why not me? there are so many people hurting in this world...i have it so easy. thinking about people suffering in Haiti and other places in the world makes it ten time worse that i spent so much time complaining about where to do my internship yesterday. it just seems so selfish when they are worrying about where their next meal is coming from. i take so much for granted.
through the mess of my rambling i think its clear that you could sum this up into me being scared. i try to be the girl with the smile on her face that has it all together but right now, right now im just scared.
