if i didn't doubt myself so much....the possibilities could be endless.

i just got home from spending the weekend at Kim's in Utah...i left my window open and it snowed while i was gone.

my room is FREEZING!!!!

and snow in June..dumb.

anyway...Amanda and i spent the weekend at sisters. so glad she is so close or i might lose my mind. we all went and saw Marmaduke. i love great danes. and dogs in general. a lot. and Hannah does too..it makes me really proud=) she did well for her first movie! i made dinner for us and Kim made cookies so it was a pretty darn good night. oh and USA didn't lose to England! i wish they would have won and not tied..but ill settle for a tie.

last week at work was orientation. great information but fairly boring. one thing we did that wasn't boring was voices training. we all spent an hour or so with a headset on that is a recording of what someone with a psych disorder would hear. it was crazy. and creepy. and scary. it was TERRIBLE. you couldn't concentrate on anything and everything you heard was so negative. the person who had the cd recorded had overcome her diagnosis and wanted people to know what it was like to be her. let me tell ya...it would be awful.

*my room...still freezing.

Friday i went back to work. i had to fill out my biweekly report since i have now been there for two weeks. one of the main things i wrote was that i needed to become more confident in working with the psych population and geriatric population and my supervisor asked why i felt so uncomfortable. i began to tell her that older people just make me sad and that i didn't really have a reason they just did. well she did a great job of trying to make me feel better telling me that when she first started at that unit she was worried about working with older people but that she had grown to love the population because they lived full lives and earned all of the stories that they had to tell. the whole time i was biting my lip and nodding my head. she went on to tell me/warn me that the only bad thing was that she had lost 7 previous clients (still trying to help, bless her heart) but that you learn to deal and learn to distance yourself from clients but still have a relationship with them. THEN she asked if i had ever lost anyone. i lost it. i started bawling. some of my best friends have never seen my cry and here i am sitting in my office bawling my eyes out in front of my supervisor. it was awful. not professional. needless to say...not doing so great with the loss...stupid things like tomatoes make me want to cry. someone asked if i liked fish..the only fish i ever ate was my grandpas. i just really didn't think it would be so hard. or that it would be easier by now. i cant keep running to the bathroom to cry.

i realize i keep bringing up that topic. i apologize. but i dont do well talking about stuff...so im using this. my eyes hurt. whew.

ill try to leave on a little funny note....one of the men on my until threw their hearing aids away and cant hear a blooming thing. well during group the other day we were talking about presidents and i asked if he remembered Eisenhower and he look and me and said, "what about peanut butter and jelly?" nothing about pb & j. absolutely nothing. lol

two weeks down. eight to go.

now that i get off work at four and dont have much to do i have a feeling i will be updating this a lot more. i also feel like i actually have things to talk about now.

day 2...survived=)

this morning i had to go and get blood work done..fun right? it wasnt to bad....

doing all my reading this morning about our clients was very insightful. i read a lot about dementia and Alzheimer's (im with the old folks remember?) i couldnt help but be thankful that we didnt have to see any of that with my grandpa. i was reading all about visitations and how to make it better on the client and family. seeing some of our clients that do have those diagnosis..i could never imagine seeing my grandpa that way. it was hard enough just seeing him sick. i miss that man like crazy. but have been doing suprisingly better that i thought i would working with older people. i figured the first time i saw any of the older men i would just cry. i will always miss him but we were lucky that we didnt have to go through all the nursing home/declining health stuff...he used to say "im glad you got to see me today" i would give a lot to just see him again.

on a funnier note...we have a rather large nurse in our unit and she was giving one of the men his meds and he was refusing to take them and he said it was because he never wanted to get fat like her. it would be funnier if you knew this man and this nurse lol he is also the man that they told me to watch out for because he grabs boobs.

my friend amanda and i are wanting to become friends with the locals so we can go ride horses and 4 wheelers all the time so we went to a bar last night where we were by far the youngest by a 30 year or so age gap. we got called young phillies by all the guys there....it was interesting. i dont think there is anyone our age in this town. i like it here though. its reallly really pretty and the weather is way different...like long sleeves and jeans and its comfortable. it was 90 in oklahoma. yikes. i do miss the lake though and my sweet Rev..i miss him a whole lot! mommy and daddy are taking great care of them though=)

wwwyyyoming

if punctuation bothers you....dont read this. you will be annoyed.

welp...today was the first day at the new internship.

but first of all i would just like to point out how great God is. He answered my prayers for sure...this summer and last summer i went in praying that i just make a friend that i can be myself around and relate to...last summer i met meagan who has been such a blessing in my life and was a relief and answered prayer. when i got to wyoming yesterday i left my door open just hoping someone would be my friend and i met my neighbor amanda. we went to dinner together and were talking and i found out that she had already found a baptist church (everyone is mormon up here) she listens to country and we went exploring and found a little pond/lake/puddle thing it was so pretty. she also loves teeth. so well be friends for sure.=)

my room is really nice..i mean as nice as a dorm room can be. it came with a mini fridge, a micowave, and a tv. it also has a walk in closet and a full size bed...so its bigger than anything ive had at the kaydee lol

i bought a coffee pot today. it made me feel like a grown up.

i got a lot of keys today...everything is locked down. go figure...it is a psych facility. i also got a panic button thing i press if anything bad happens but i dont think i will use it. they dont use them often. im working geri psych (older people) which is another one of those trust the Lord things because i dont do well with old people. i get really sad....i got to meet some of our clients today and we had a birthday party for one of the guys which was fun. my orientation is next week because this week was a short week so i dont get to do much until after that is complete. im just glad i survived my first day, i have a friend, and i get to wake up to coffee in the morning. the Lord is good=)

laying in my big ol bed watching tv, typing this on my laptop, and my iphone is on my pillow.

i take so many things for granted.

i dont deserve any of this but i am thankful for it.

my parents do so many things so me i dont deserve at all.

i mean...my mom is riding 24 hours in a car with me to wyoming so i dont have to do it alone. shes crazy. but i think she knows i wouldnt do it without her:/

im sad i dont get to spend the summer at home. i enjoy their company a lot=)

not so tough anymore

I thought that I had forgotten my password to this by now....but to my surprise i havent.

ive never been one to talk about feelings. heck. i dont even understand what im feeling 90 percent of the time so i put a smile on my face because its easier....and everyone always says you look prettier with a smile so what the heck=) and 80 percent of the time it is genuine. which i am so thankful for.

my mind has just been racing lately with thoughts and questions...so much to the point that i worked ahead on homework today and studied so i could drown out my own thoughts.

my picture might just be in the dictionary next to the word indecisive. its like pulling teeth to get me to make a decision.

making decisions at this point in my life is terrifying. and literally making me sick.

the decisions i am making are impacting so much more than the next few days but a big chunk of my future....i just dont want to make the wrong one. i dont even know what to aim for at this point. i am doubting everything i do because i dont want to miss the mark...i dont want to sell myself short. i want to make the most of the person i am suppose to be. i want to follow in Gods will for what he has planned in my life. i want to make everyone around me proud. am i even on the right track now?

i never even knew i would be here at this point....
- im in college at a big 12 school
- living in a sorority house surrounded by people i love
- single. and surprisingly content
- months away from moving into a house with my best friends (that i have no clue how to pay for)

i mean when did i even get old enough to have a house with my friends? we signed a real lease and everything...my parents didnt even look at it first lol....

on another note...i dont understand why i am so lucky. i am so blessed. blessed beyond measure and it scares me because i feel like its too good to be true. i feel like i am going to wake up one day and its all going to be gone. i havent done anything to earn any of it. i have nightmares about it...

and i saw a man walking outside tonight with one glove on. i wondered if he was homeless and could only find one glove and i just thought why him? why not me? there are so many people hurting in this world...i have it so easy. thinking about people suffering in Haiti and other places in the world makes it ten time worse that i spent so much time complaining about where to do my internship yesterday. it just seems so selfish when they are worrying about where their next meal is coming from. i take so much for granted.

through the mess of my rambling i think its clear that you could sum this up into me being scared. i try to be the girl with the smile on her face that has it all together but right now, right now im just scared.

well...i am already horrible at remembering to update this but its about to be worse lol.
i am going to be gone for the next three months to the greatest place on earth. i will be serving on the adventure crew at camp barnabas=) i am so very excited and also nervous so if you are reading this prayers would be greatly appreciated...especially tomorrow as i drive ALL BY MYSELF! if you would like to get in touch with me you can write me a letter or send me an email! i will get the emails daily....the people at the office print them and deliver them so i cant promise you that they wont be read! =)

here is the address and if you want me to write you back send your address=)
Camp Barnabas
Kristen Garrett, staff
901 Private Road 2060
Purdy, MO 65734

and here is the email
write to: camper@campbarnabas.org
in the subject line write: Kristen Garrett, Staff

i will be home for a short visit in July and then i wont come home again until August=)
ill miss you all!
thank you for your prayers=)